Beyond ‘Just Get Over It’: Real Tips for Coping with Grief in a World Demanding Happiness
by Therapist Beata Pazacka
As we continue our conversation about grief and loss when others can’t understand our experience, let’s unpack some practical ways to cope with grief, especially when it feels like you’re going through it alone.
REDEFINING GRIEF
As we discussed in Part I of this series, grief is a healthy process and an opportunity to view it as an opportunity for self-discovery. The DSM V-R, the clinical guide that we use as therapists, views grief as a disorder or something we should fix. I have discovered in both my personal and professional experience that the point of grieving is not forgetting and “moving on.” It’s not a thing to “fix.” If we allow it, it becomes part of who we are and our journey. It is something to experience.
Experiencing grief leads to positive life changes and more appreciation and gratitude for the present moment. It allows a balance of emotions and experiences that are both uncomfortable (sadness, anger, fear) and affirmative (acceptance, transformation, maturity).
PERSONAL TIPS FOR COPING WITH GRIEF
Navigating grief is a personal process. Given that, I want to offer a gentler way of personally perceiving grief and joy beyond the holidays.
1. In order to fully experience grief, it is crucial to develop a relationship with the self. Bessel Van Der Kolk, a prominent trauma therapist, outlines his concept of internal experience in his book, Body Keeps the Score, stating, “Neuroscience research shows that the only way we can change the way we feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend what is going inside ourselves.”
Paying attention to what I feel and what I need resonated with me during the holiday season.
2. I have often caught myself comparing my grief experience to others and tormenting myself with “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” in terms of my feelings and actions. Relief came when I realized there is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve. Grief just is, and it is a unique experience for me.
3. Recognize that grief and joy are not mutually exclusive.
When I am open to the whole experience of grieving, I find a space in my heart for moments of connection and joy. And after all, wouldn’t the grieving person want you to experience joy, whether it be a joyful memory of them or a joyful moment in the present? It is ok to hold space for both at the same time.
Don’t suffer in silence. Be honest with yourself and others about your needs, even if it is to be alone. Ask yourself, “Do I need time alone to process my grief, or am I simply avoiding others?” “Are there things I need to say? Do I need to ask someone to have a conversation with me about the loss?” Letting the family in takes courage and honesty and asking for support and understanding.
Remember that you are the owner of your grief. It is your choice how you celebrate or engage with family or friends around the loss. Permit yourself to be you and know that whatever you choose is ok.
THE BOTTOM LINE
For those of us who have had to reexperience feelings of grief during the Holiday season and are exhausted from being around others or wearing the mask of trying so hard to look “happy,” we see you and encourage you to give yourself what you need. Maybe it’s rest, scheduling a therapy session, or engaging in other healthy coping skills.
Additionally, the grief process is personal, and we invite you to practice self-compassion and kindness toward your own experience of where you are in the process.
We extend our gratitude to Psychotherapist Ms. Pezacka. Her expertise as a member of our mental health therapy team has offered deep insights into the nature of grief. If you’re in search of counseling or therapy to help you cope with grief, or you are looking for a therapist near you, reach out to us at 347-868-7813.
Your thoughts and experiences matter to us, so we’d love to hear your feedback on this piece in the comments below.
