Month: October 2021

Anxiety Business Mental Health Productivity Creativity • Personal Goals • success October 27, 2021 By AMANDA FLUDD 1 Comment

What Is Your Goal Langugage?

Just as we all learn very differently, practical goal setting can look very different as well. What works for someone else may not work for you – and that is just fine. Stay with me as I give you a few creative tips for setting your goals in a way that works for you.

Defining The Goal

When you say “goal,” the term can mean just about anything. You could have a goal to make more money, save up for a larger home, expand your business, etc. These are not wrong goals, but they are not necessarily effective goals. The idea is too broad, with no clear measurement for success, making them that much harder to attain.

An effective method for setting goals is to create SMART goals. SMART is an acronym system for developing actionable, achievable goals. A SMART goal is Specific, Measurable, Assignable, and Realistic.

Once you have decided what you want your goal to be, you can begin to break it down into smaller digestible or smart pieces. Essentially, specify what you would like to achieve, assign a time frame you would like to achieve it in, understand who is responsible for the success of the goal, and assure that the goal can realistically be achieved.

BOOM – that’s it.

Once you have a clear goal, you can shift to the work required to get there. To help you with this, try our free vision board planner from a recent workshop we did helping other women entrepreneurs get clear on their goals. It’s an excellent way to collect your thoughts and get them out into action steps.

Goal Setting Strategies — Visual Goals Are Powerful For The Mind

Tips for Making Goals Work

If you have taken the time to create your SMART goal, you must also spend some time with it. Schedule a consistent time to look at what you want to achieve and work on the action steps to get there. By consistently showing up to work on your goals, you are developing new success systems and habits. Habits, once formed, are automatic. They rewire our brains with the discipline needed for success.

If your goal were a plant, the time you spend with it would be the food it needs to grow. With consistency, it will thrive in its proper season.

The Language of Goals

First, figure out your goal language. Are you a visual person? Do you need to think things through? Do you thrive in peace and quiet?

Whatever your goal language, roll with it!

If you are a visual person, spend some extra time creating a vision board for your goal. Having a visual map of your plan will allow you to visualize success better. When you envision what you want to achieve, you consciously decide to look for information about the situation that will improve your performance outcomes. High-performing athletes do it all the time- I should know, I was one of them. Before a race, as I settled my nerves, I would see myself running the event. My muscles would fire at the gun, and I would rise out the blocks into formation and turn gears across the 400-meter track- gliding over hurdles along the way. This process helped me create a clear picture of what my body needed to do to get me to where I needed to go.

If you are more of a process and analytical person, try to journal out your goals. Getting your thoughts onto paper will allow you to work through them, see the holes, and may even inspire new inspiration. In fact, you are 42 percent more likely to achieve your goals if you write them down. Writing also helps to reduce stress, anxiety, and overwhelm- factors that work against goal attainment.

If quiet reflection is your goal language, find some quiet time and give yourself the space to dream and create. Try a practice from Stop, Breathe, Think, or Calm.com, and dedicate time to starting your process there daily with meditation, then writing. This daily or even weekly practice can help you stay motivated and keep your head clear.

We all want to achieve better results. Writing down your goals is a good starting point. It’s an easy technique that helps you become more efficient and reduce your stress simultaneously. Let us know your goal language in the comments below and what you are working on.

Amanda Fludd, LCSW-R gets a whole lot of practice writing wellness goals for corporations and helping individuals navigate goals to improve their emotional and business wellbeing. Jump on her calander if you need to connect!

Child Therapy Communication Love Languages • Parenting October 25, 2021 By AMANDA FLUDD 1 Comment

The Five Love Languages: Kids Edition!

Discussions around the five love languages have become a staple in the marriage and dating world. Love languages are ways of expressing and receiving love that can help couples better understand how to communicate with their partners. The idea around love languages is that it is essential to learn your partner’s love language and show them love in that way (and vice versa!). This means, if someone feels the most loved by spending quality time with their partner, their partner will make a great effort to prioritize that alone time with them.

What people may not know is that love languages can be applied to their children. Just like adults, children have their own personalities and ways in which they express and feel love. Today let’s discuss how the five love languages can be applied to parent-child relationships and how parents can match them.

The Love Languages and How to Meet Your Child’s Needs

Physical Touch – If your child loves cuddles, hugs, and holding hands, this may be their love language! Physical touch is an important way for some children to feel connected and receive attention from their parents. Physical touch can include kisses, holding hands, back rubs, special handshakes, or high fives. Some children want to feel close to their parents to feel loved.

It’s beneficial to use this or other love languages when your child is experiencing difficult emotions like sadness, anger, grief, pain, or confusion.

Children Affirmations — Affirming Your Child is An Act of Love

Words of Affirmation – Some children thrive from hearing their parents affirm and acknowledge how much they love them and are proud of their achievements. You can verbally tell your child, “Mommy loves you!” or “You did so well on your test; I’m so proud of all the work you put in to study.” Additionally, you can leave handwritten notes to your child as an extra special touch.

Gifts – Have you ever seen your child’s face light up when they receive a gift and squeal while saying, “this is just what I wanted. You love me!” Has your child ever seemingly randomly given you a special gift or drawing? Giving and receiving gifts maybe your child’s love language.

The significance of the gift is less about size or monetary value but rather about the meaningfulness of the gift and knowing their parent is thinking of them.

You may be thinking, which kid doesn’t like gifts?!

Very true! However, a child with this love language will have a much stronger reaction to receiving gifts than other children would.

Quality Time – This love language is indicative of your child wanting to spend uninterrupted time with you and bask in your attention. If you see that your child wants to be near you and seeks out more togetherness time, this may

be their love language. It is incredibly beneficial to children’s overall development to have quality time and attention with their parents.

You can spend time together watching their favorite show, playing their favorite game (even if you are clueless about what is happening) or preparing a meal together, getting outside for a walk, or spend time reading stories before bed or talking about your life stories for the too grown teenage crowd.

Acts of Service – If this is your child’s love language, they may ask for help doing things like tying their shoes, organizing their rooms, or putting together winter kits for strangers. It may seem like a simple request, but they still need your support. These selfless or engaging acts may indicate that an act of service will help them know how supportive you are.

No matter what your child’s love language is, it is crucial to take the time to learn it and express your love through their language versus your own. For example, if you thrive off physical touch but your child always pulls away, try respecting that boundary, and looking for ways to connect with them in their own love language. Of course, because they are children, there may need to be limits set on the languages. After all, you may not always be able to offer them exactly what they want at every moment. Parenting is all about balance and flexibility!

For guidance on how to nurture your family relationships or support your child’s emotional wellbeing, you can inquire about family or individual therapy here.

Written by Alyssa Heavens, MFT Intern and edited by Amanda Fludd, LCSW-R, Psychotherapist, Clinical Supervisor & Mental Health Consultant

Uncategorized October 21, 2021 By AMANDA FLUDD 0 Comments

How To Talk To Your Teen About Therapy

Let’s talk about teens and how to speak to them about therapy. Teens are more socialized to therapy than you might think. It’s in their music, on tv and if anything, they may just be struggling with how to talk to you about it. If talking to your teenager about therapy is uncomfortable, this blog is a great place to start.

When bringing up the subject, the first thing is being honest with them and letting them know that you have noticed some changes with [be specific- like their mood and actions], that’s unlike them, and it seems to be impacting [insert aspect of their life].

Take a moment to validate their struggles, be honest about what you may be struggling with when it comes to the issue, and how much you love and want the best for them. For example, you may say, “You’ve been spending more time in your room and seem quieter and down since starting this new school. I know change is hard for me, but how is it going for you?”. is everything ok with you?”.

Sharing your emotions may not be easy, especially if you haven’t been encouraged to do so in your own life. If anything, keep in mind the goal of reaching and supporting your young person. Their wellbeing is a huge motivator to push past your own discomforts.

How Parents Can Open The Door to Therapy

Once you begin to hear and understand their perspective, you can always suggest therapy or counseling as one way for them to get unbiased support and help themselves. Explaining to them what therapy is- a space for someone else besides a parent to listen to them, without judgment, protecting their privacy, and maybe lend some skills and resources.

I think as parents, it’s ok to admit, we don’t know everything, and we don’t know how to help. Amanda Fludd, LCSW-R

There is still a lot of stigma behind going to therapy and seeking help. Still, at the same time, people like Naomi Osaka or artists like Logic have normalized conversations about mental health, even though having those conversations may not be easy. You can open up about your own ideas about seeking help, including a cultural perspective and your genuine hopes for them.

As teens are so impressionable and tend to look outside family networks for direction, it is critical for them to have someone to talk to.

When should a parent call a therapist?

Signs or symptoms to look out for:

Overthinking/excessive worry
Anxiety
Perfectionism around tasks including school work
Changes in sleep
Changes in appetite
Low self-esteem or lack of confidence
Substance abuse/use
Thoughts of suicide or expressing wishing they weren’t here

Overall your teen will have moody moments and natural changes that occur during this stage of development in their lives. However, if those issues are way out of character for them, persist past 2-3 weeks, or other unusual behaviors, it’s a good idea to follow up with a professional.

What should you expect when you start therapy?

Once you reach out and contact a therapist (please be patient, as it can take some time to get a call back), they will schedule an initial session. The first session is designed to figure out what brings you to therapy, so the therapist can better understand the concerns and determine if they are the best qualified to support you. They will ask questions about the family structure and dynamics, how school is going, your early life development, how you usually cope with stressors, your strengths, and several other essential questions. It’s a comprehensive assessment often referred to as an intake.

The following sessions are used to create a plan to best support you with goals you both agree to work on. The therapist is there to help that person discover new ways to understand their experiences and try to better cope or navigate existing problems.

Reach Out Together

Once you decide you are both ready to proceed, inform your teen about their options when it comes to therapy. We offer virtual online individual and group therapy for teens that is accessible and convenient for their

teen therapy — Group therapy can help spead up progress

schedule and in-person therapy. While we’ve found our teens connect better in person with their therapist, for some talking to a therapist online can be less intimidating or also just convenient to their schedule.

Let your teen know their options, and explore different therapists and forms of therapy together. Then, make the appointment and encourage your teen to play an active role in their own wellness.

The following are a list of websites that can be useful in obtaining a therapist:

http://www.psychologytoday.com

http://www.therapyforblackmen.com

https://latinxtherapy.com/find-a-therapist/

www.cliniciansofcolor.org

You can learn more about our teen counseling services and contact us anytime for more information. We’re also happy to answer your child’s questions and provide personalized feedback about how we may help them address specific problems if needed.

Piece cowritten by Social Work Intern Kilcy Martinez and Amanda Fludd, LCSW-R, Psychotherapist, Coach & Mental Health Consultant

Corporate Mental Health Minority Mental Health Find a Therapist • Mental Health • Therapy October 16, 2021 By AMANDA FLUDD 1 Comment

The Importance of Finding a Therapist Who Looks Like Me

When studying to become a therapist, they teach you that you must always be culturally competent, meaning aware of your personal beliefs and biases. We are asked to be knowledgeable about different cultures, have skills to manage our differences, and be mindful of our attitude towards other cultures. The real question is, is it possible to be culturally competent to all cultures?

The answer is no, which is why many people seeking therapy want a therapist who reflects their black and brown identities. A professional who can acknowledge unspoken expectations, and the rich tapestry of their culture, creating a safe space to know more.

Trust is an important factor in mental health outcomes

Mistrust and the trouble finding a therapist — Mistrust and Misdiagnosis is Common For Marginalized Populations

Like it or not, the medical community is laced with disparities when it comes to race. Black people, for instance, are twice as likely to be hospitalized for care compared to white people and are often misdiagnosed. When working with a therapist who is not culturally competent, it leaves room for preconceived notions and conclusions that can have severe consequences on the emotional wellbeing of minority populations. This contributes to mistrust within the community and poor health outcomes in the long run.

Having a provider who deeply understands and can disarm those fears makes a significant difference for people of color seeking help. It’s no different than a woman seeking a female doctor for a specific issue because she feels more comfortable and better able to communicate her needs. We want to be careful not to generalize here, as even minority therapists need ongoing learning on the complexities of diversity, generational trauma, and systemic inequalities. However, even with that factor, diversity still matters.

“My experience has shown that when you deal with culturally sensitive issues, you have no choice but to be as careful and as patient as possible. Every concern should be addressed properly. Otherwise, greater problems emerge at later times, when nothing can be done.”

—Mrs. Farzaneh Davari, UNFPA National Project Director, Iran

You may find the following reflections insightful, as shared in this piece by the Psychotherapy Networker regarding the experiences for people of color in the last year alone (but influenced by generations of disparities):

“We cannot accept people saying, ‘Get over it, it already happened, move on.’ I think this is a major problem—the lack of acknowledgment that we as a race have experienced trauma. We have to say it out loud, acknowledge it, and understand how this crime against humanity manifests. Only then can we truly address it, see it for what it is.”

Zamantha Gobourne, LICSW

Washington, DC

“I’ve begun telling students and beginning counselors to ‘lean in and look within’ at their own biases. Acknowledging personal biases and educating oneself about culture and ethnicities different from your own are ways to shift your thinking and become more open to differences. This can challenge and foster change.”

Shaketa Bruce, MS, LPC, NCC, CCH

Atlanta, GA

“Understand that systemic racism contributes to Black people’s vulnerability to psychological, emotional, and social distress. It makes them hesitant to seek mental health services, especially from those who don’t look like them.”

Tytannie Harris, LCSW

Chicago, IL

Here’s The Problem

According to the American Psychological Association, as of 2021 86% of therapists are White while only 4% are Black.

There aren’t enough minority therapists to go around.

Further complicating things, many insurance companies are unwilling to pay therapists their full fees- despite the caliber of work that goes into healing and the documentation to back it up. That means many shy away from certain plans leaving even fewer opportunities to receive care.

Que the Pandemic

Covid- 19 has placed a significant demand on an already strained system. Many individuals report a change in their mental health in the past year because of the following reasons:

. Death of a loved one

. Loss of employment/Income

. Quarantine (closures of schools, universities, jobs)

. Fear of being Infected

. Returning to workplaces with no plan to address stress, anxiety, and burnout.

All of this and more directly contribute to increased rates of stress, anxiety, and depression, as well as sleep issues and an increase in alcohol or substance use.

Data has shown that in January of 2019, 11% of adults reported anxiety or depression symptoms, while in January of 2021 that percentage went up to 41%. Black and Hispanic minorities face a more considerable disparity compared to whites during the pandemic. They have been hit harder in deaths, infections rate, stress, depression, and anxiety.

As our stressors continue to rise, we have to explore opportunities to revolutionize access to mental health services. The goal should be to create more spaces where people can simply be all of their complex selves, and feel safe doing so.

Here’s a list of resources that can be useful in obtaining a minority based or inclusive therapist:

www.blacktherapistlist.com/Directory

https://www.psychologytoday.com/

https://www.therapyforlatinx.com/

www.cliniciansofcolor.org

https://borislhensonfoundation.org/

https://www.therapistsforblackgirls.com/

In Addition:

* If you are in the helping professions (Social Workers, Marriage and Family Therapist, Creative Arts

Therapists, CASAC’s, Nursing, etc.) or just curious- Join us for an indepth conversation, Sound the Alarm: The Crisis of Mental Health in Communities of Color on 10.19.21 hosted virtually by Molloy College: https://bit.ly/3jDWonC

** As a consumer– Call your insurance provider and ask why they don’t have more therapists of color on their panel.

*** Tell your employer your wellness matters and ask why they don’t offer more onsite wellness programs.

Piece written by Kilcy Martinez, York College Graduate School of Social Work Intern and edited by Amanda Fludd, LCSW-R, Psychotherapist & Mental Health Consultant.

Confidence Personal Development Self-improvement affirmations • Power of words October 11, 2021 By AMANDA FLUDD 2 Comments

End Self Criticism and Learn To Like Yourself

You are amazing. You are more than enough. You are creative, talented, effective, and beautiful. Yet, so self critical.

The truth is, many of us often engage in a very critical inner dialogue flooded with “I can’t,” “should’s,” “what if’s,” or “I am not enough.” Words that play into catastrophic (imaginary) outcomes as it plays out in our minds (often in elaborate detail) and throws a wrench in our progress.

Have you ever wondered why you can be so self-critical and how to tackle the thought I am not enough?

Here’s to some deep soul searching today.

In rare cases, self-criticism can be helpful- it may give some valuable insight, but it’s rare. The problem with self-critical thoughts or that unchecked inner mean girl is it takes a direct hit at your confidence and sense of self. Unchecked, it increases your risk for stress or experiences like depression anxiety.

Don’t think your way out of how capable you are. Instead, remember that thoughts are not facts, and if you shift your thoughts, you can shift your experience.

Ten affirmations to replace critical conversations:

I am capable of doing hard things.

I am focused and persistent.

I am safe.

I am in charge of my own happiness.

I am doing the best that I can.

I am capable of creating positive change.

I am the expert in the room.

I am dismantling systems that create inequity piece by piece.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

I am proud of myself and all that I have accomplished.

Which of these speaks to you?

To embrace those I am’s and respond to them in meaningful ways instead of our fears, it becomes essential to explore the source of our negative thoughts. With awareness, you can gain the insights and skills to reframe self-critical thoughts, so they don’t continue as barriers as you execute your goals.

Let’s tackle I Am Not Enough

It’s one of the most common self-critical thoughts. It is often connected to early family stories, invalidating environments, traumas, or shame-based experiences that can emotionally paralyze us in real-time. For example, Mark (definitely not his name), grew up with a very old school strict father who wanted him to “man up,” a consistent message in his young life. When his eight-year-old self (the client) brought home 90’s, it would be met with, well why isn’t it a 100?

While it was never clearly stated, what is the underlying thought or belief you hear with this example?

It’s not enough.

As a developing being, if you repeatedly hear negative messages, it can quickly become internalized into this belief that no matter how hard I work, it is not enough. I have to work extra hard to be “enough” or be seen, acknowledged, or accepted. The most challenging part is that the achievement will never resolve “I am not enough.” It becomes complicated to feel or be satisfied. This dynamic around this idea of “enough,” or any self-critical thought, can consequently create space for things like anxiety, perfectionism, worry, overworking, and stress.

How do I change the I am not enough thoughts?

A significant step to change is awareness. It’s helpful to think about where the thoughts or ideas come from.

Ask yourself when does this happen to me, and begin to get curious about the experience.

Ask, why do I feel like I’m never enough? It is important here to also take a moment to acknowledge the feelings that accompany that experience. Often those same emotions you notice were never given space and were instead met with the message don’t cry, what’s wrong with you, or feelings are a sign of weakness.

Once you realize that thoughts based on your past may still be showing up to control your present, it gets easier to address them in real-time, like using the above affirmations. The key is finding the unhelpful thoughts or beliefs based on old ideas that no longer support your life and learning to reframe them. It becomes easier to like who you have become, accept you are enough, and embrace your success with new perspectives.

Reflection Point: Changing The I Am Not Enough Thoughts

Figure out the source. Spend some time unpacking your thoughts and feelings.
To help your awareness – Try journaling, meditation, or other contemplative activities to find and release the things holding you back. You can give our self-love journal a try. The prompts help you to approach self-criticism from a place of self-compassion.
Every time you have a negative or critical thought, replace it with a new thought that uplifts you and makes you feel good enough. Or repeat to yourself, I am good enough or another affirmation as mentioned above. The research suggests that affirmations can help you to perform better. Spending just a few minutes thinking about your best qualities can decrease stress, increase your confidence, and improve your chances of success.

A Licensed therapist and coach for high achieving women. It’s important to note when resolving complex thoughts is challenging, it is also helpful to enlist the support of a therapist or a coach.

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Black and white pen-and-ink illustration of a young girl with braids and backpack standing beside her older self with an afro, hoop earrings, and a structured handbag, alongside the quote: “Sometimes trauma isn’t what happened to you. It’s what you had to become to survive it.” Symbolizing high functioning trauma. Kenshopsychotherapy Psychotherapy.

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